Hello All. I’m just checking in to see that everyone is alright. Death bringing pandemic notwithstanding. This is me, taking shopping to Aged Parent this week. She’s a bit bad-tempered about the extra lockdown and not being able to go out. (Don’t believe her. She goes out. Frightens her carers to death when they can’t find her but she definitely goes out). This week the sheltered housing is having something done to the rendering and apparently, all the hammering made a picture fall off the wall. HOH and I arrived with her shopping to find that she had taken ALL the pictures off the wall just to be on the safe side. We left it. There was no point in putting them all back. The scaffolding is still up so she will only take them down again when the builders come back. AP has always erred on the side of caution. She unplugs all the plugs at night because she doesn’t trust electricity. It’s commendable in a way but it does mean that the heating doesn’t come on in the morning because all the timers are out of sync. Fortunately, she can’t reach the plug to the fridge.
I think she gets this from her mother. I remember as a little girl that my Nana used to put tea cloths over mirrors during thunderstorms. And also over the budgie’s cage. The mirrors were to stop the lightening reflecting back into the flat. I’m not sure about the budgie. To be honest, it didn’t end well with the budgie. My Nana accidentally sat on him when she was bending down to put her boots on. She was very upset but, I would think not half as upset as the budgie was.
My Nana and Grandad lived in a huge tower block in Salford. If she ever looked after me when my parents were working, she would wrap a pair of tights around the handle of the door to the balcony. This was to stop me or my cousin getting out and having a terrible accident. She was a big worrier with nervous problems Some said it was because my cousin and I would shut ourselves in the wardrobe and burst out and shout “Boo!” when she was looking for us. She did jump. We thought it was very funny at the time. Kids are horrible sometimes.
However, my Mum told me that Nana was frightened of the balcony because one day she had seen someone fall past her flat who had thrown himself off the balcony much higher up. And, for a horrible split second, she had actually caught his eye. My cousin and I felt bad about that. Although not bad enough to stop using the bed as a trampoline and then denying all knowledge when it broke.
There’s a lot going on that would make any sane person frightened at the moment. Real things involving death, destruction, empty supermarket shelves etc. Everyone – including me – is talking about anxiety. Low level, knawing anxiety. In my Nana’s case, it led to her being afraid of so many things – her life became very difficult. Most things you read now encourage us to be mindful and look inside ourselves for answers. I’m ok with being mindful if it’s about noticing the sky and trees and how nice Jammie Dodgers actually are. I’m not so keen on too much looking inside myself at me – at least not for too long. All I seem to find inside myself is more of me. I’m also not sure that I have any answers to fear and depression. But I found this. It’s Psalm 94
When I was upset and beside myself,
you calmed me down and cheered me up.
or more poetically
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.
Because you see, I’m not sure that I am capable of dealing with my fears on my own. I would rather go to someone who understands better than I do myself and ask for calm and consolation there. Safer that way I think.