So my father died. It’s stark but there it is. I did consider not saying anything on this forum but I consider many of you my friends and it would feel dishonest.

I don’t really know how I feel about it really. In many ways, he was a distant figure who struggled to juggle the demands of the home he left with the home he went to. So we ended up with a bit of an unsatisfactory mess where people in his new home would address me and my brother like a public meeting and scold us that our father’s heart was full of love for us. However, to paraphrase (badly) the great Kenneth Brannah in the Harry Potters “Fatherhood is as Fatherhood does Harry”. And we saw very little of him (except the time he came to steal my bike oh and also my premium bonds and … well never mind – water under the bridge and all that). I think it probably says all that you need to know that it took nearly a week before anyone thought to lift a phone and let me know that he had died. I don’t think it was malicious – I just don’t think that people gave us a thought.

He was very unhappy with my Mum, Why those two ever married is one of life’s great conundrums but married they were. I remember them both being unhappy together and I remember doing that really common childhood thing of trying to make everyone happy by being no trouble, keeping my mouth closed, and trying to be a top-notch daughter. My friend Susan (she was from Yorkshire – you have to pronounce it Sowsan) who was in the same predicament used to say “You’re bloody stupid you are. I make sure my parents pay for everything they put me through.” I admired the self-preservation but it wasn’t for me.

He was never really my father-not in the received sense of the word. I remember reading Floyd McClung’s The Father Heart of God. The first time I read it, I had no idea what he was talking about because I didn’t know what a father was supposed to be. The second time I read it, I cried all the way through because I understood what was I had been missing. I watch HOH now and I see what a father in action looks like. He wouldn’t claim to be perfect but the sense of presence in his kids’ lives is what it is about I think.

My dad was a Christian – “old school” for want of a better phrase. When my brother came out as gay he called him a pervert. That was tough but I suppose he was brought up in different times. He suffered from dementia and although I would speak to him on the phone, I didn’t take the opportunity to go and see him at the end. The whole thing was surrounded by unpleasantness that I didn’t have the capacity to deal with and he wouldn’t have known me oh yes and flipping COVID. Bottom line was that I didn’t want to go. There really was no point.

But, when I am overwhelmed with what may be bitterness, I remember letters to my kids when they were away at camp that made them laugh like drains and what some people called the best Father of the Bride speech that they had ever heard. I try to think of something good about him and I look back to a time when I was sitting in his car. I was having a dreadful time. Church was horrendous (Christians eh?) and I was lost – as a Christian and a person. And he gave me a book – marked at a page. He told me to read it and take it on board. If I could, it would change my life and I did and it did.

I think that I have probably mentioned the book before. It’s a commentary on Romans by William R Newell, much of which is like wading through treacle backwards but blimey, the chapter on grace is astonishing. Please don’t feel the need to read it – although it is amazing. I reproduce it here, partly as a thank you to a dad who I didn’t really know but I think is probably somewhere where it is all clear as day and he gets to understand who it was he was supposed to be.

A FEW WORDS ABOUT GRACE by William R. Newell


  1. Grace is God acting freely, according to his own nature as Love,
    with no promise or obligations to fulfill; and acting of course,
    righteously­ in view of the cross
  2. Grace, therefore, is uncaused in the recipient: its cause lies wholly
    in the GIVER, in GOD
  3. Grace, also is sovereign. Not having debts to pay, or fulfilled
    conditions on man’s part to wait for, it can act toward whom, and
    how, it pleases. It can and does, often place the worst deservers in
    the highest favors.
  4. Grace cannot act where there is either desert or ability: Grace
    does not help­ it is absolute, it does all.
  5. There being no cause in the creature why Grace should be shown,
    the creature must be brought off from trying to give cause to God for
    His Grace.
  6. The discovery by the creature that he is truly the object of Divine
    grace, works the utmost humility: for the receiver of grace is brought
    to know his own absolute unworthiness, and his complete inability to
    attain worthiness: yet he fins himself blessed, – on another
    principle, outside of himself.
  7. Therefore, flesh has no place in the plan of Grace. This is the
    great reason why Grace is hated by the proud natural mind of man.
    But for this very reason, the true believer rejoices! For he knows that
    “in him, that is, in his flesh, is no good thing”: and yet he finds God
    glad to bless him, just as he is!
  8. He has been accepted in Christ, who is his standing!
  9. He is not “on probation”
  10. As to his life past, it does not exist before God: he died at the
    Cross, and Christ is his life.
  11. Grace, once bestowed, is not withdrawn: for God knew all the
    human exigencies beforehand: His action was independent of them,
    not dependent upon them.
  12. The failure of devotion does not cause the withdrawal of bestowed
    grace (as it would under law). For example: the man in 1 Corinthians
    5:1­5; and those in 11:30­32, who did not “judge” themselves, and
    so were “judged by the Lord,­ that they might not be condemned
    with the world”!
  13. To believe, and to consent to be loved while unworthy, is the great
  14. To refuse to make “resolutions” and “vows”; for that is to trust in
    the flesh.
  15. To expect to be blessed, though realizing more and more lack of
  16. To testify of God’s goodness, at all times.
  17. To be certain of God’s future Favor; yet to be ever more tender in
    conscience toward Him.
  18. To rely on God’s chastening hand as a mark of his kindness.
  19. A man under grace, if like Paul, has no burdens regarding himself;
    but many about others.
  20. To “hope to be better” is to fail to see yourself in Christ only.
  21. To be disappointed with yourself, is to have believed in yourself.
  22. To be discouraged is unbelief, ­ as to God’s purpose and plan of
    blessing for you.
  23. To be proud, is to be blind! For we have no standing before God,
    in ourselves.
  24. The lack of Divine blessing, therefore, comes from unbelief, and
    not from failure of devotion.
  25. Real devotion to God arises, not from man’s will to show it; but
    from the discovery that blessing has been received from God while
    we were yet unworthy and undevoted.
  26. To preach devotion first, and blessing second, is to reverse God’s
    order, and preach law, not grace. The Law mad man’s blessing
    depend on devotion; Grace confers undeserved, unconditional
    blessing: our devotion may follow, but does not always do so



  1. August 10, 2020 / 8:24 am

    As this man passes from the world, the perishable gone home to the imperishable, the imperfect received into perfection, may you who are left be healed and restored. From the Father heart of God may this man make reparation for the wounds he made in your life and your brother’s. May something better than justice be the wake of this passing — may you be healed, may you be blessed, may you be comforted. The man you are left with in HOH is a better companion than the man you have lost. God bless you for your patience and forbearance with both your parents. God’s blessing follow your brother along the invisible pathways of light. And may God enfold your mother to himself, and may nothing but peace remain from these disappointing and difficult relationships. Something that came out of the union of your parents was you, and your relationship with your husband and children, your humour and kindness, and the chance to walk on this Earth with all its magnificence and beauty. God goes on determinedly pulling grace out of every situation, like a master magician bringing rabbits out of his hat to delight the children. May you be happy, may you be blessed, may you be free. Thinking of you. xxx

    • August 11, 2020 / 8:50 pm

      So sorry, sometimes relationships with parents are far from ideal. My father is still alive in his 90s and I’ve been actively remembering the good times, rather than the hurtful times because I realized if I didn’t start doing that now I would regret it. I was prompted to do this because a friend told me how she hadcinherited a pocket watch from a distant relative, and asking around the family discovered that no one had a single good thing to say…. I’m glad you have good memories to hold on to about your father. May you all feel peace.

  2. August 10, 2020 / 9:03 am

    I think that Pen has siad it all, how can one follow that?
    My fathwr died when I was 6 so I have no real memories or knowledge of a Father figure. Just sending you, for want of any helpful words, a virtual hug.

  3. August 10, 2020 / 7:42 pm

    Pen and Barbara have expressed it better than I can. May grace, love and peace surround you and yours right now, dear friend

  4. August 10, 2020 / 8:02 pm

    I’m so glad you have some happy memories of him to hold to qnd pass on. The saddest thing I ever heard was a friend talking about a pocket watch that she had inherited from a not particularly close relative. She asked around her relations to find out something about him, and not one person ciuld remember a single good thing to say about him.
    At that time I was still quite cross (angry?) with my own father for various reasons when I heard this story. It stopped me in my tracks and I stopped ‘rehearsing’ all my grievances and and worked hard to retrieve the many good and kind and loving things he had said and done. It has been very healing to develop a new perspective. I’m kucky, I was given this opportunity while he is still alive.
    I hope you are able to reframe your memories, not to eradicate faults and failings, but to remember and appreciate the good things as well.

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