It’s like a test card thing..

Do you remember the Test Card? You are probably much too young. The Test Card was a photo the telly used to put up when there was an unavoidable gap in transmission. The blog has been having a bit of a Test Card Moment.

There are lots of reasons for the block and can I just say Bless You to those that have noticed. There have been nice things taking my time. FOW1 got engaged which was lovely. FOW2 came home for Christmas and for his engagement do which was also lovely.

Can I be a bit honest though? (Look away, those of you of a sensitve disposition) I have had a few stuggles – mentally and spiritually. I can’t really go into too much details of the issues around Aged Parent’s problems – it sort of seems a bit disloyal – but her loss of the concept of time has led to a few distressing incidents. Early morning phone calls (and I mean EARLY) asking where we are etc. It’s not too bad – she goes in and out of it. We are aware that it won’t get any better. The other Aged Parent is further down the dementia road. He has a wife who takes care of him. The whole thing is slightly complicated by the emotional distance I have with my parents. When I was young – it wasn’t as if they weren’t interested in me. Er no – they weren’t really that interested in me. Not that they were horrible, they just had problems of their own. Other things they wanted to be doing. They had both had “interesting” upbringings themselves. It all settled down. I came to terms with it. God was good and I poured everything into my family and friends. Now it has all got a bit full on and I am struggling with what is expected from me. I find I am unwilling or even unable to go back there into those old dynamics.

.ALSO… the house won’t sell (Brexit – shakes fist at Boris “Independent Income” Johnson) which is unsettling. ALSO… I’m beginning to think that I am not a C of E sort. We went to the same church for nearly 20 years and now I am turning into one of those church hoppery sorts that used to annoy me so much. – that was in my smug days. ALSO… a blog acquaintance has had one of THOSE diagnoses. And it has all built up and flattened me a bit. Please do not tell me to count my blessings unless you want me to fantasise about bashing the top of your head with a tin tray. I am quite aware that there are women in Dafur who are having it much worse thank you.

ALSO… I seem to be coming down with something!

Generally, I am quite a jolly little soul. I believe in God and it most certainly is God that has sustained me thus far – as John Newton would have said if he wasn’t a genius writing a great hymn with better lines. We are living through interesting times here. Occasionally they take their toll and I have to crawl into my cave and wait for ravens to bring me cheese and onion crisps and glasses of dandelion and burdock. I’m not actually sure the ravens have arrived at our cave yet but I am venturing out slowly. We have decided to do what we know, which is praying and keeping an eye out for answers. If you are still here. Thanks for reading



  1. sue
    January 22, 2019 / 10:11 am

    So glad to see you back again-missed you. I remember the Test Card. Am I the only one who found the clown doll a bit creepy?
    Keep hanging in there and hopefully things will sort themselves out. God Bless

    • lesleyps91
      January 23, 2019 / 8:15 pm

      Thank you so much. I used to find both the clown and the girl a bit creepy

  2. January 22, 2019 / 1:05 pm

    There are seasons like that when one feels as though one is a target for incoming distressments. If that is a word. When I’m in one of those places I feel like Jonah, stuck in the (presumably deeply unpleasant) belly of a whale, with my head wrapped around with seaweed. He got out eventually…
    I find flowers a consolation; one or two, a growing bulb in a pot, time out to stop and stare and wonder at the minute details. Much healthier than chocolate.

    • lesleyps91
      January 23, 2019 / 8:16 pm

      Distressments. If it isn’t a word it should be. Very descriptive

  3. January 22, 2019 / 5:27 pm

    Still here, still reading, still asking the Almighty why so many of my friends are going through tough times right now.
    My mother always steered me away from dandelion and burdock [she believed it was alcohol under another name, ditto Gripe Water] House Buying/Selling Hassles really suck. Finding the right spiritual home is painful too. Watching a loved one who is sick can be the hardest of all.
    He’s got the blissfully-engaged FOWs, the demented APs AND the overburdened- woman-in-the-middle in His Hands, and even Boris, Theresa and Jeremy …even though some on that list do not recognise the fact.
    To say “I’m praying for you” sounds so trite and so glib. But it’s all I can say, and all I can do for you right now. I will pray for you, the prayers of a fat legged woman are known to be very effective. [one of my all-time favourite Christian quotes]

    • lesleyps91
      January 23, 2019 / 8:17 pm

      Thank you. Prayers do not sound trite at all

  4. January 25, 2019 / 6:45 am

    I too am glad to see you back, and can do no more than echo what others above me have said. Life can be very tough at times and all we can do is throw ourselves at God and bawl. IF , of course, one feels close to the Almighty. If he feels far away too, it becomes even harder.
    I hope and pray that you find your way out of the difficulties soon. And that all your ducks will arrange themselves in a row quickly and neatly.

    Wasn’t there a Doctor Who that involved a creepy test card?

    • lesleyps91
      January 26, 2019 / 9:35 pm

      Thank you v much. The encouragement people have sent has been so important. And yes – I think there was a scary test card in Dr Who

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