Blimey – I’m not saying it’s been raining a lot round here but some bloke with a big boat is trying to coax Morecambe and Lucy on board. It’s been half term all week here so daughter has been able to snuggle down every morning while shouting vague promises about finishing her essay on “The Crucible” under her door. We, as the breadwinners have been forced out into the rain every morning – in my case only to find that the Community Transport users of Plymouth have looked out of the window and decided – “I don’t think so thank you” – phoned us up, cancelled and gone back to their one bar fire, Flog It! and a nice cup of tea – as any sensible person would.
There was one particularly memorable morning when I had to walk the hounds before work. It was like God was tipping out celestial buckets over us and, you may not have realised this but it is a physical impossibility to walk two lunatic jacks while carrying a brolly and two poo bags. (The thing is, you can’t hold the poo bags in the lead hand because they get tangled so you have to hold them in the brolly hand which means they are right under your nose and I am usually a bit delicate for that kind of smell first thing)This meant some kind of hat was called for. So, creeping into daughter’s room (not too quietly, why should she get all the lie ins?) I pinch a beret. I slam it on and launch myself into walk.
One of the many distressing things that happens when you get older is that you begin to look more and more ridiculous in young people’s clothes. In this beret – daughter looks like something Johnny Depp would be chasing. I look like someone he would be chasing off his property. I don’t suppose the parka hood pulled over it helped. Oh well, at least I kept my hair dry. It doesn’t really matter what I look like as long as I am warm as my Auntie Vera used to say. I can’t believe I just wrote that – she was a lady who had a drawer full of rain hats! I promised myself this would never happen to me!
My monthly magazine arrived today and it is the Christmas one. It has caused me to reflect how different my life (i.e. a REAL life) is from their target audience. Or maybe it’s just me.
- I read that Vintage is again very hot this year, especially when it comes to coats. This is good for me as it means that I can get last year’s coat out of the cupboard under the stairs and after a bit of a brush down I will be hot to trot fashion wise.
- Eye make up will be smokey again so we will be needing new grey and black tones, mascara that can actually give me 4-D lashes and some shimmering highlighter to offset the greys. Excellent. In response to this, I will be giving my eyeliner (free with daughter’s magazine – think it was called “Smack” or something) a bit of a sharpen.
- It’s time to look at Christmas fashion. There was a nice article on dresses for the Christmas party and a smart casual look so “you can shine as brightly as any decoration” on Christmas Day. I may well need to shell out on some big knickers to wear under my faithful LBD. As for Christmas Day, trust me, the combination of a steamy kitchen, a mother examining the stuffing for onions – she can’t do onions (Mum- it HAS got onions – it’s very difficult to make without – you said you would do without stuffing – I KNOW it’s not quite the same!) and various teenagers and dogs etc will make me quite shiny enough thank you.
- Christmas table decorations will be very natural and green this year. This may well mean another raid on the local graveyard to steal consecrated ivy. Is it wrong to steal from God’s Garden? Does it not let us off that we are celebrating something lovely? I can’t see God minding – he loves me.
Just remember sooo much of this stuff is nonsense. I love my magazine – it has nice stories and photos of celebrities buying wine gums but real people don’t live like this. Do not let these people who are trying to sell things steal a second of your time making you worry that you are falling short of their ideal. (Breaking news – they are not kept awake by the fact that you and I may be a bit wrinkly, they are not really worried about you. They are, however thrilled skinny by the thought that you will put a £140 skin cream on your credit card) Real life is a gift – however messy. You should be dancin’ – yeh. (apologies – Gibb Brothers)